Adultery

Melancholy. That's the word I revel in right now.

Am I depressed?

Do I need help, perhaps a psychiatrist to counsel me, or should I take up a therapy session?

It is a duality of existence that I am battling with! I need to search for a middle path where I can find peace!

Before I met him, I was at peace with my thoughts, and with my physical and emotional being. Or, at least, I was perfectly content living in that illusion. But, things changed after I met him, spoke to him, and eventually fell in love with him. It all happened in a jiffy! Among a handful of people in a so-called 'intellectual seminar', his eyes struck with mine, and in that moment, we sincerely acknowledged the vacant stares of apathy the two of us were hiding from the world. There was something different, perhaps it was the heavy rains that had washed away the dust that blurred our souls, or maybe it was just the scent of cigarette which wrapped him and settled on his smooth cotton shirt. I felt happy getting closer to him, smelling his manly sweat, and adoring his bearded smile. I knew, very well, that this was not the end.

In no time, my love was reciprocated, and I felt as if I had adorned my body with a new soul. A soul which was burning in passion and desire. Both our bodies and souls united and the love grew intense. But, how did this happen? He is not mine, he can never be mine! That doesn't mean I am guilty, I was only being true to myself. Did he use me? No, or, I don't know. At times, he says, unfortunately he's transformed into an automaton, but I find his sincerity disarming. Maybe, it is the nicotine talking and not him. Maybe, he wanted someone to make meaning out of his blank lifeless expressions. Maybe, he genuinely needed a friend.

A friend? But he does not confide in me with what's troubling him, nor does he tell me whether he is at peace when he is with me. I have given up on my own time simply to see him happy. I don't know if this love between us is being metamorphosed to something beautiful, or is it just growing like a powerful toxic potion? It is true that the society's labels of ethics and morality abound us, but it is even dreadful a sin for one to kill one's own passion for the sake of approval from a condescending phony society.

Everyone is trying to control their own unhappiness, while I have allowed my passions to act without restrictions, and now I have become too weak and vulnerable to decide if or otherwise I should pursue our togetherness any further. Emptiness is precisely the thing I fear most and the thing that troubles me most. If he knew this, would he help me with my situation?

My love though requited, forever remains unrequited. Yet, I see him as an abyss that I am blithely walking toward, an abyss from which I have no desire to escape. The strong thought strikes like a lightning bolt through my mind that my sleepless nights are about to become even more unbearable now that I really do have a problem - a heart in love! I am a cornered tiger with nowhere to run, the only option that remains is to attack.

I take him into my arms and replace his fatigue and insecurity with immense euphoria. I consciously and un-repentantly venture into unknown territories and dangerous waters, destroying the social pyramids of norms and building my passionate love's sanctuaries. I become the mistress of my thoughts and my actions. I can feel again, I can love something I don't possess. The wind has ceased to bother me and has become instead a blessing, like the caress of a god on my cheek. I have my soul back.

No! I am not guilty, but the thought of getting caught pricks me. At times, I feel there is no love and thus the absence of fidelity in his connection. Am I simply being played? A mere pawn who clears the path for the King?

Unable to solve this riddle, I find exactly what was there before. Sadness.

In order to seek peace, I commit to adultery, one that I am not afraid of. An adultery that has walked nonchalantly from generations to generations, though in the guise of words, has managed well to present oneself stark naked before the world.

I return to the safe embrace of the unholy and chaotic communion of thoughts onto parchment!